so… while I got much better traffic here, wordpress was hindering my artistic abilities.
so… without much ado, my new address is: cupcake assassin
which i believe is much more me, much less what wordpress gives me to work with.
I hope to see you around…. 
so, like the man, I too have my own projects. I’m a geek by nature, I love stupid, minor details that probably no one cares about but I dig, so it’s going down. I’ll probably be m.i.a. until everything is up to my liking… so just stay tuned.
I’m excited…
…I’m tired. I just want things to be simple like they used to be…
but trust has been compromised and people still think I’m dumb.
I’m tired of the lies… is it really that serious??!?!?!
I’ve decided instead of overanalyzing everything that is wrong… I’m going to take advice from Toni Braxton:
things aren’t going to change until I change… he may never change, but I’m going to let go and let it flow, be like the ever changing water, and everything will unfold as it should. I’m done trying, I’m done being upset. It’s just gonna be what it is because we are who we are.
mantra: let go, let it flow, let it flow, let. it. flow.
I fucking love her. She’s gorgeous. Girls should strive to be like this woman:
shit, she’s my new idol.
I tried out the new h2o audio set up. The nano cover and the surge headphones. I have to say that swimming will never, not ever, be the same. I swam 700 today and it felt pretty good. My goal is to be at 800m by the end of this week.
hell yes to goals.
goal #1: become one bad bee-yotch, too.
“…something always brings me back to you.
it never takes too long…”
I found out a lot during some drunken confessions this weekend and I don’t know how to take it all. I’m glad I had my book, so I could get lost in it and not think about what I was told. I know I was never supposed to know. He likes to keep me out a lot of the time, then say he has nothing to hide from me. I know that’s inaccurate. It’s been proven.
Before we got together he was committed to someone who wasn’t necessarily reciprocal of his feelings towards the end, and maybe during most of the relationship. He always moved on, but never really moved on. He always saved room. Hearing him talk about her, about talking to her recently frightens me. I don’t want to be another of the women he’s with that just occupies his time while he saves room for this woman. I know he loves me in his own way, as I’m sure he loved all the other women he was with while he was biding his time hoping that woman would come around. Seemed that she did when it was convenient for her, and she didn’t really give any thought to what she did to him.
Sometimes that seems like the vicious cycle.
Friday we went to visit one of his best friends, who was all set to get married at the end of this month but his fiance called it off about 2 weeks ago. He was a mess. It was hard to see him like that. I gave him a hug and he pointed his tux out to me, still hanging in his closet. His best friend told him that he needed to make new friends… after all he had to get out there and make up for lost time. I knew it stung when he heard it, I could feel that. I know that I’ve ruined that for him… no more excitement, no more great adventures… just me.
At the beginning of our relationship he dipset. He said it was because he wanted to make sure it was real. I think there’s a part of me that has always known that he was still hoping to have great adventures with his best friend. Then the weekend he decides we aren’t seeing each other is the weekend his best friend meets this girl… Life’s funny that way. I think because I had the knowledge that he wanted these great adventures still, I had always tried to put up a tough front when he called. But I was serious when I said that I wasn’t going to sit around and wait for him to figure it out. Oddly enough, I did, but unintentionally.
Brings us full circle to now. I’m scared to death of the love I have for him. I’m scared to death of what I don’t know. There’s always going to be insecurity and uncertainty when it pertains to him. I know he’s trying, but he’s also very set in his ways. He operates most of the time, like its just him. I don’t know what he does during the week or who he is with. I have endless optimism that he loves me and would never hurt me intentionally.
…. I’m just afraid of the unintentional.
um, so I’ve not forgotten about my blog. I still feel short (emotionally) and it’s been easier to hold my peace than saying things I’ll later regret. So I let it fester, because that’s what I do best.
I got breaking dawn, I was number five, but I had my money out so I was the first to actually leave the store at midnite with a book. I cleared out of there before anyone could flip to the back and tell anyone what happened. I don’t want to know until I read it for myself. I’m into the second book. I hope to finish by the close of this weekend… but then what? I’ll feel sad like I did at the end of Harry Potter I’m sure. No more Edward, no more Bella, no more Jacob. **sighs**
I have to house-sit the parents all next week. I’m really excited though because on Tuesday my waterproof nano cover and waterproof headphones come in and I can swim with music. That’ll make the progress all the more sweeter.
Anywho, I just wanted to let you all know that I’m alive and I’m dealing with things the best way I know how…
Last night I told him to talk to her and I’m trying my damndest but I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to handle this. I don’t really have a choice or a say in the matter. He’s going to do what he wants to do and I have no choices… I have no say. I think that’s what gets to me the most out of this whole situation. I had no say, actually strike that, my feelings did not matter and they did whatever the fuck they wanted and said fuck my feelings but masked it with a “this is for her benefit” type deal.
I think the big thing is that it was never given to me straight up and then he lied about it and now I’m just supposed to be okay with it because they (neither of them) don’t see why I feel any type of way. But if it was presented to you, the way it was presented to me, it’d look super suspect. And then to go behind my back after telling me one thing, well that bugs me. It really, really irks me. It says what kind of character she has, and it says a lot about him, too. I know he hasn’t told me the full truth, I know it’s not just twitter, he says one thing but I know there’s more to it – in this situation there is always more to it and the proof is in the pudding. I saw it with my own eyes. And to know that he told her everything, after asking me to not say things to my friends… well that pisses me off too. She actually had the audacity to make fun of me. I’m not the one who is wrong here, she is out of line and she has been from the beginning. Him, too.
I feel okay sometimes, but then I think about it, and it really pisses me off. I love him, I want things to work out, but I am angry. Angry at the both of them. I think I have a right to be. Friendship, whatever, it was scandalous. She was scandalous. He was scandalous. And now I’m just supposed to be okay.
I have to vent, I have to get this out. I have to be allowed to feel some type of way and those feelings have to be validated in some way or else I don’t know what I’m going to do. I sometimes wonder why I do this to myself, why its just supposed to be okay. But it’s not okay, not the way this went down. I don’t know if I’m ever going to be okay with it. Everytime I think about it it pisses me off.
I think I’m entitled to that anger. Directed at the both of them.
…and hell yes I meant it when I said karma was a bitch with a nasty backhand.
after all, what goes around is guaranteed to come back around.
days like today I wish there was a controller like in that movie “click” with adam sandler… just to pause the emotions and stop everything. I had a lot of realizations stem from the last 2 days and I’m still processing how I feel. I don’t want to though. I just want to shut it off and disconnect.
what I think and how I feel are insignificant because I’m not being understood, so it doesn’t even matter anymore. people are going to be who they are and do what they want simply because my insignificant thought patterns just don’t matter to anyone but me.
…and I need to just love it or leave it alone.
at least that seems to be the general consensus… and the problem therein is that I do love, I love lots. which means at this current juncture I’m hemmorhaging but, again, it doesn’t matter because I don’t translate.
karma is a bitch… with a nasty backhand.
that’s all I wanted to say.
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